Divorce

[pne]

I was just looking through my spamtrap mailbox and a subject "whyandhowtostopadivorcethat'sunwantedyesyouca…" got me thinking.

I wonder what would happen if my wife filed for divorce. I'm sure I'd be pretty shocked, especially if it came out of the blue, without prior warning… though what she considers as warning signals and what li'l insensitive ol' me considers warning signals may be different.

However, I'd imagine that I'd be fairly coöperative; if she's bent on getting away from me, there's probably not much point in fighting over it legally.

It's still a strange thought, and I hope I never have to find out how I would react.

Comments

[missysedai.livejournal.com]

My aunt filed for divorce more than a year and a half ago, and my uncle is fighting it for all he's worth.

And you know, I don't understand that. He says he wants to stay married, but hasn't done anything to try to reconcile (unless you consider "You ungrateful bitch!" foreplay) or try to make her feel like working things out would be worth the effort.

I don't understand people who dig in their heels and make things worse than they already are.

[bride.livejournal.com]

We've talked about it. That is, we've talked about the subject of divorce, we are absolutely not planning on actually filing for divorce. =D

We'd heard of quite a few couples going through it (including one Mormon couple friend of mine as well, which kinda blew me away), so I'd bring it up as, "Wow, I just heard of someone filing for divorce because of reason X... I would have tried to work through that by doing Y instead..." -- or something.

Hearing about others just got us thinking as to what it would really take for either of us to be upset at each other enough to want to dissolve something as sacred to us as our marriage. Even with me suggesting things, "Y'know when I do that and it makes you SO MAD? Would you ditch me over that?" etc. I feel better knowing the boundaries and knowing how to steer clear of them.

I'm actually really glad we talk about it every once in a while. Our concensus seems to be that "irreconcilable differences" is not a valid reason for divorce; "not in love anymore" is not a valid reason for divorce because we found each other, it was not an arranged marriage, it was _our_ choice, so unless there is severe abuse involved, forever really means FOREVER.

[elgrande.livejournal.com]

""not in love anymore" is not a valid reason for divorce because we found each other, it was not an arranged marriage, it was _our_ choice"

Why would you spend all your life with someone you don't love anymore? Who is that good for? Or is it for religious reasons? (serious questions, no offence intended)

[bride.livejournal.com]

I'm flaming agnostic =) so it's not for religious reasons.

To me, marriage is a partnership that includes love, but goes beyond it. There's also the matter of integrity - my marriage vows did not come with a "only as long as we want to" clause.

Did that make any sense? =}

[elgrande.livejournal.com]

Well, it does sound reasonable and if you want to follow these principles, it's your choice. You've already said it only applies to yourself and your husband.

In general, however, I'd consider your principles very strict and in extreme cases helpful to nobody at all.

"so unless there is severe abuse involved, forever really means FOREVER."

I imagine cases where both the husband and the wife are really annoyed with each other. Perhaps they're happy whenever they don't have to see each other. Both want a different partner (or perhaps even already have) and basically nothing speaks against it... except for the marriage contract, which would really be useless in my eyes.

I see your point, though. Anyway one question: would you also apply your principles if both partners agreed it's for the best if they get divorced?

"And if there are children, the children always come first."

I don't know if it's always good for children if their parents don't get divorced just because of them. (Like it might not be very helpful if they see mum and dad arguing or trying to ignore each other all the time.) My parents didn't get divorced so I can't judge it.

[bride.livejournal.com]

Anyway one question: would you also apply your principles if both partners agreed it's for the best if they get divorced?

I'm willing to play that one by ear and cross that bridge if we get there. =) It's never happened to me, so I don't know the issues. I've never even dated more than one man in my life, so I absolutely claim no expertise whatsoever. But all I'm saying is that it would take A LOT for me to agree to separate, especially now that we're legally married. Not before a lot of research, trying to do things differently, new/different communication techniques, marriage counselling, etc.

I don't know if it's always good for children if their parents don't get divorced just because of them.

I do. But, as I say and [can't] emphasize [enough], it only applies to me =)

• The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce : The 25 Year Landmark Study (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0786886161/qid=1096322405/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-4200176-8666318?v=glance&s=books)
  
• The Two-Income Trap: Why Middle-Class Parents are Going Broke (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0465090907/qid=1097017384/sr=8-2/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i2_xgl14/103-2579591-6714230) (this book touches on the financial repercussion of divorce, but is not about divorce itself)

And there are other publications too, but those two stick out in my mind right now (caveat: those sources are very US-centric). But what I meant by "children always come first" in the context of that paragraph was "in the event of a divorce, do what's best for the children" in terms of custody, child support payments, visitation, etc.

[bride.livejournal.com]

I should also say that this really only applies to my husband and me.

I have friends who have split for reasons that I would not have accepted for myself. But as long as I've tried to encourage them to work through their problems together, I've made sure that they've answered all the right questions and come to their conclusions, I support their decision. And if there are children, the children always come first.

[meeps-hitchie.livejournal.com]

Heh-heh-heh ... Let me approach that from the other side: Why marry someone you love?

[elgrande.livejournal.com]

Good question.

[sparkofcreation.livejournal.com]

I'm sure it's a side effect of my job, but one of the things that I love about Gareth is that I know that if we got divorced, he would never use the kids to get at me ...

[robnorth.livejournal.com]

I hope you never have to find out, either. BTDT, and it was not fun.

On the one hand, I was very co-operative, and I feel good about not being a jerk. Given that she ran away with another guy, I could have easily just gone to court and said "Right, she's unfit, adultery, I want a divorce on my terms, no alimony, I keep the kids, she can go pound sand." I would have had it on a plate. But I didn't. (I sometimes wish I had, though, because even though I'm now geographically close to our kids, I'm sure not very emotionally close to them. Sigh.)

OTOH, I should have stood up more for myself. I did not protect myself, from a legal or an emotional point of view.

To anyone out there who is ever in this position: No matter how co-operative you want to be, no matter how important it is for you to be "the nice guy", protect yourself! Get a lawyer, and make sure you allow the lawyer to protect your rights. Get counselling and other assistance as required and as available.

To anyone who is thinking of initiating a divorce: My ex is on her third husband now. He's gone through some Very Interesting Issues. She once told my current wife (yes, they speak civilly to each other) that if she'd put one-tenth of the effort into our marriage that she has to put into her current marriage, we'd still be together. She thought I had problems; she didn't know what "problems" were until she got through her second-marriage-to-runaway-partner (bad news from day one) and into her third marriage (with a hubby who's doing better and improving, but who still dragged them all through his own version of Hell).

Remember, the grass is always greener over the septic tank....