Random thought on adoption

[pne]

The thought just crossed my mind -- I wonder whether a vague analogy to how it "should" be is to consider children born with a Caesarian section and those who are born "naturally".

It's a fact that some are born one way and some the other, and most mothers would probably be able to tell you how a given child was born if you asked them, but they nearly never bring it up in conversation unprompted (e.g. introducing someone as "and this is my delivered-by-C-section son") nor treat the children differently -- nor do most other people. (Though I wouldn't be surprised to learn that some people might look down on children who weren't born "properly", or consider the mother or the child to be a second-class person due to the circumstances of their birth.)

And that it could be similar with adoption: whether a child is adopted or not is a verifiable fact, but for most intents and purposes should have no bearing on anything. (I still don't know what people-in-general here think, though -- whether they are open-minded and do think this way or could be brought to easily, or whether my paranoia is at least partly justified.)

Comments

[leora.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how I view it. It's obviously relevant to the child's doctor as it affects the medical history, but it's not something I'd bring up unless it came up. I think if it comes up, it should be mentioned, because there's nothing wrong with it. And because when you try to hide something then it does seem like it's somehow bad. But it's one of many possible details I wouldn't expect to just find out.

One of the children of a family friend of my parents whom I have known all my life, and the child in question that I have known all my life (who is now an adult, of course) has some very serious disabilities, but they're not visible ones. I didn't know this for ages. When I found out and asked why I'd never been told sooner, I was told, oh you didn't know? Well, nobody was keeping it secret, so we just assumed you knew.

As much as it was kind of annoying to not be told, I do think the approach was the right one. Had it come up, I'm sure I would have been told or had it explained. But it really wasn't any of my business anyway.

[nitaq.livejournal.com]

To me none of the above matters. Cesarean or not is absolutely unimportant to me but nothing I'd discuss with anybody but very close friends. Even then I'd rather avoid the topic cause it's gotta do with hospitals and stuff like that...
Adoption is different cause it's something I don't mind hearing about. Actually it's quite interesting cause I'd rather adopt than give birth... I'm easily scared.
But if someone is or has adopted doesn't matter to me. I might think of someone who has adopted even more highly, cause it's probably a difficult decision.
If people don't talk about adoption I think it's probably because it's a very personal thing. Not because it's adoption, but because there are not that many people I'd want to annoy with the story of my life.

BTW: A good way to bring up that your kids are adopted seems to be when people point out that they look just like you or your wife. (GRIN)

[elgrande.livejournal.com]

Caesarian or not seems totally unimportant to me. It surprises me that anyone would pay much attention to that. When I was little, the mother of a friend of mine was always perfectly open about having borne all her four children with a caeserian section, so I always had the impression that it was not a taboo topic or anything. More something like "What day of the week were you born?". It's irrelevant and so it isn't very likely to come up in conversations, but it's not a taboo topic and people don't usually mind telling.

Apparently, you have a different impression about the topic and I'm not sure whether mine or yours is more accurate.

[denial-land.livejournal.com]

So I noticed this whole recurring "stigma" issue in your entries and comments. I personally had no idea that one might even suspect that there is a stigma to admoption in Germany (or really anywhere else I can think of). The C-section analogy seems.. almost irrelevent?
I certainly don't have any empirical data, but if you asked me, I'd say that there is absolutely nothing "wrong" (from a society perspective) with adoption. However, be prepared for the possibility of the kid meeting his or her real mom on a TV show for the first time :P

[lnbw.livejournal.com]

You know, after I read your last post on adoption, I thought, "Well, I do know one person who was adopted, but not under normal circumstances, so it probably wouldn't be very useful to contribute." But after reading this one I realized I know two three others who are adopted -- one who's a relative. Which perhaps shows that I don't really think of them as adopted unless something brings it to mind.

The Caesarian analogy doesn't work for me, but if it does for you, go with it. Miss Manners has talked about the topic in a couple of her etiquette books, so they might be worth taking a look at. Overall, in this country, I don't think there's much of a stigma attached to adoption, outside of a few rude people.

[fridoline.livejournal.com]

Usually people do not care much about how a child was born. Only sometimes, when they hear about some actess or other who had a "planned C-section to save her love channel" they might snort. Fortunately those are the exceptions. (And in later year no one would call the child "the one who was born through planned C-section.)

The mothers themselves might have a feeling of failure if they wanted a natural birth but had to have a C-section. But that passes with time.

I had both, but it is so unimportant now.

on adoption

[(Anonymous)]

A response from an adoptee... well... there was a time when I would have said that adoption doesn't really made any difference... now at 51... and having met my first mom... I'd say this... the adoption made a big difference to me. The difference lies in the necessary initial loss associated with relinguishment. This has various effects, emotional and cognitive.

Another matter that adoption will make is access to identifying information... such as the original birth certificate. In New York (my home) the OBC is not available on request. Access to one's history and identity should be a matter of right but is not in many places in the USA.

Re: on adoption

[pne.livejournal.com]

As I understand it, in Germany, adopted children have the right to learn about their birth parents when they turn 18.