My life is hard

[pne]

Gah its moments like these where its really hard to be myself

i never know what to do in social situations

and now i wonder whether ive messed up by doing something... but im afraid to ask because I fear that that may be messing up / socially inappropriate

so maybe i'll never know... or maybe i will end up asking, and it'll be the wrong thing.

it's hard to live inside my head

i wish i didnt have to

why must my life be so hard

Comments

[timwi.livejournal.com]

While I totally agree with this, unfortunately it's not that easy. People don't tend to be willing to give honest feedback when it's negative. I know you said "if you're friends with the person", but even then, or perhaps especially then, those friends will be reluctant for fear of hurting your feelings by giving negative feedback. This is a largely subconscious/intuitive process, so telling them "don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings" doesn't actually help. They will still feel uncomfortable telling you off, so they won't.

That said, of course not all people are like that. If you can find someone who is truly helpful in this matter, all the better! But it is important not to be fooled by dishonest positive feedback.

[pne.livejournal.com]

This is a largely subconscious/intuitive process, so telling them "don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings" doesn't actually help. They will still feel uncomfortable telling you off, so they won't.

*nods*

I also think that many people have difficulty putting the "rules of society" into words, so if you ask them, "Did I commit a faux pas by doing $FOO?", they may not be able to answer -- or, if they can, they may not be able to answer the subsequent question, "What, specifically, was inappropriate in my behaviour?" and/or "How should I behave in such situations in the future?" since for them, the rules are built in.

Or so I believe; occasionally people tell me that even "normal" people are unsure of how to act in a given situation.

But yeah. If you're unsure of how to act appropriately, it's not always easy to get guidance, and if you're unsure whether you acted inappropriately and why, some people may not be able to tell you (or so I think). Makes things harder for "us".

[timwi.livejournal.com]

I also think that many people have difficulty putting the "rules of society" into words

At the time when I was first suspected to have Asperger's Syndrome, I was shown a website which attempted to formulate some of those unwritten rules. It was pretty useless; almost all of it was full of uncertainties ("in some situations, XYZ might happen, but then again, it might not"), and the only things that weren't like that were rules that even I was already aware of (e.g. "there is an unwritten rule against the explicit discussion of these unwritten rules").

This, as well as various other pieces of experience with people since then, has led me to believe that there aren't really such rigorous rules; "we" probably expect them to be more formal, more logical, more consistent or more predictable than they really are. Which leads me to the next point:

they may not be able to answer [...] since for them, the rules are built in.

Yeah. Kind of like asking a native speaker about their language's grammar rules. :-)

But it may also be because, due to the non-rigorosity of the rules, there is no single definite way to handle a given situation "correctly". There are several, and (as unfair as it may seem) they depend on the personality of the person you are talking to! :/

If it's any consolation to you: I was under the firm belief that I had improved my social skills significantly since the Asperger's Syndrome theory emerged four or five years ago, and yet I still make a number of these significant faux-pas. And it's a different one every time...

[pne.livejournal.com]

People don't tend to be willing to give honest feedback when it's negative.

I also think that people seem to have difficulty receiving honest feedback when it's negative -- or even hearing a negative opinion on some things.

For example, when someone posts a picture of themselves, they may get a number of "Ooh, you're pretty/handsome!" responses, but if I feel that they look plain, then I'm not sure what to say... since I have the feeling that if I say "You look homely/ugly", they'll be hurt... but the "you're pretty" people and I are both merely voicing our opinions, so I have a hard time understanding what the difference is.

Similarly, if someone posts a point of view, there might be a number of people saying, "I totally agree with you on this", yet if I feel like posting disagreement, I'm not sure whether it'll be well received.

It's as if people are soliciting opinions from other people only so long as those opinions are positive, and it strikes me as not helpful, since I imagine that that sort of thing will give them a skewed view of what "people in general" think.

[timwi.livejournal.com]

I suppose people think that if your opinion is going to make someone feel bad, you might as well keep quiet, so when you don't, they assume you intended to hurt them since they can't think of any other intention behind it, even when you're honest.

Interestingly, this is not symmetric: the positive opinions, including the dishonest ones!, will be [per|re]ceived as positive feedback and not as "aw, you're only saying that to make be feel better!". Unless they're modest, but if they were, they probably wouldn't have asked for opinions in the first place. Does this make sense?

[pne.livejournal.com]

I suppose people think that if your opinion is going to make someone feel bad, you might as well keep quiet

Ah, the "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" rule that children are taught?

I guess that explains a little people's reactions.

I still think that this sort of thing gives people a rather skewed view of what people think.

Even if all the positive comments are honest and sincere, merely suppressing negative ones will skew the picture, even without any additional fake-positive comments.

Seems a bit bizarre to me, but then, the rules of society don't always makes sense to me anyway.

[timwi.livejournal.com]

Of course it will give a skewed view, but a positively skewed view, so nobody regards it as a problem, because it makes you feel better than you would otherwise.

I've always contended that people like "us" tend to think more rationally, while "normal" people think more emotionally. This kind of confirms it. "We" think that, logically speaking, a skewed view is a "wrong" thing. But the non-"we" people who think emotionally come to conclusions that seem illogical to us. Emotionally speaking, a positively skewed view is a "good" thing because it makes you feel better.

I guess that explains a little people's reactions.

I first read this as "I guess that explains little people's reactions", since you were talking about children. :-D

[pne.livejournal.com]

Yes, the syntax in that sentence was a little messed up.